Miami, look out

With Peyton Manning advancing to his first Super Bowl, and the Bears making their way back, South Beach is in for a surprise.

Over the next two weeks, instead of the bronzed, oily bodies that glisten in the white sand, Floridians will be introduced to what a Midwest Bowl means.

Not sure what that means?

Well, Indiana is No. 3 and Illinois is tied for No. 23 for the fattest states in the U.S. Indiana has 26 percent of its adults classified as obese.

So, South Beach, you've been forewarned. Take a drive Naples or Fort Meyers for Super Bowl weekend, unless you want to see an overabundance of cottage cheese and enough double chins to make a throat jealous.

This group will probably be the nicest group of folks you've been around in a while. They'll buy you plenty of rounds, keep the fried mozzerella sticks coming and always have a funny comeback line.

Just remember, all that stuff happens with clothes on. By the third day, Midwesterners will want to check out this thing called an ocean, since they only get three months of summer a year.

And you can just see the husband and wife trudging off to the beach, complete with towels, oil, radio and a cooler. The moment the husband takes off his shirt, things will take a dreadful turn. His back will look like it was taken off a Wooly Mammoth, and his Speedo won't be seen at his hips. The wife isn't much better, with a skirt bathing suit that tries to hide her Redwood thighs.

Miami, this is the hand that you've been dealt. My advice is to treat this like a natural disaster -- stay indoors until this abhorrence passes.